Tuesday, September 27, 2016

the ONION: Rahm Emanuel Concerned Gun Violence Could Spread To Parts Of City He Gives Shit About

CHICAGO— Speaking with members of his staff in private Monday after receiving the most recent municipal crime statistics, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel is said to have expressed his concern that the metropolitan area’s gun violence problem might soon spread to the parts of the city he actually gives a shit about, sources reported.

“Listen, we’re at 3,000 shootings this year and counting—it’s only a matter of time before this violence migrates from the areas of the city I don’t give a fuck about into the areas that actually matter in my eyes,” the second-term mayor reportedly said, adding that it would be devastating to see such senseless shootings affect residents outside of the large swaths of Chicago he has written off entirely. “If we don’t do something soon to keep guns off the streets of those particular neighborhoods that I consider worthwhile, things could really spiral out of control.

Enough is enough when it comes to the parts of this city that I choose to serve.” At press time, Emanuel was breathing a sigh of relief after learning that six Chicagoans killed overnight were shot dead in neighborhoods he couldn’t care less about.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

Time for Massive Lawsuit by City of Chicago Retirees against Rahm and City, for Breech of Contract, regarding cancellation of promised Healthcare Coverage for City Retirees. Notice Rahm did not cut back on any Welfare, taxpayer paid for free breakfasts and lunches for CPS Students, overtime for CPD, Section 8 Vouchers, Sanctuary City Freeloaders, or anything else. Specifically targeted City Retirees Only.

Anonymous said...

Time for Massive Lawsuit by City of Chicago Retirees against Rahm and City, for Breech of Contract, regarding cancellation of promised Healthcare Coverage for City Retirees. Notice Rahm did not cut back on any Welfare, taxpayer paid for free breakfasts and lunches for CPS Students, overtime for CPD, Section 8 Vouchers, Sanctuary City Freeloaders, or anything else. Specifically targeted City Retirees Only.

Anonymous said...

Tanned, buffed, recharged: Rahm returns from vacation
in Key West ready to tackle Chicago's problems.
Suddenly the violence is a problem because Chicago will
be in the National Spotlight with the Cubs in the World
Series. Oh my, the fly-over blimps will only show the
good parts of the City. But what happens if the Blacks
shoot at the Blimp? Big embarrassment for a Mayor who
can't control his own City. "Mr. October": that's Rahm's
nickname as we go into the World Series. Commentators
will mention Hillary, Obama, other Chicago luminaries. But
the crime is a never-ending loop playing in the background.

Anonymous said...

O/T....Hey Shaved, think you can start a separate thread on this one?? Its good!!! Take a look at who filled out the restraining order and what she gave as an answer to why!!!!

Bazinga!!!

http://ijr.com/2016/09/701584-a-little-document-has-surfaced-about-keith-lamont-scott-that-explodes-the-charlotte-shooting-narrative/?utm_source=email&utm_campaign=morning-newsletter&utm_medium=owned

Anonymous said...

CCW!!

Anonymous said...

CUBS win 100 Games
First time in Triple-Digits since 1935
Only the Shooting Numbers (>3,000)
Get Bigger Headlines
(Way To Go, Niggers)

Anonymous said...

Where can I buy Kosher Sun Tan Lotion?

Anonymous said...

Notice that Patrol Vehicle has a "V" Hull,
designed to direct a blast from underneath
Up and Away from the vehicle. Just like
those used in war zones.
Will CPD round up all the homeless before
World Series, just like they do for Olympic cities?
BREAKING: CUBS hit 100 Win Level
CUBS issue Mandate for Players to STAY OFF BOATS!

Anonymous said...

If a Jew Boy dressed up as the Easter Bunny shows up
at your doorstep on Halloween, it's Rahm.
Fucking Cheapskate continues to go door-to-door begging
for treats. That fucking Chicken Costume: Tommy Dart.
Nothing like partnering with Law Enforcement.
CUBS have clinched home field advantage. These dick
heads are Baseball fans when the World Series comes to
town. Rahm & Tommy shopping fall wardrobe for playoffs
and Series. No-Shame beggars. Watch your wallet in
the stands.

Anonymous said...

While the guys are armed and dressed for battle,
Rahm is wearing White Levis and Gucci Loafers
with no socks. Saw him in GQ last month.

Anonymous said...

Cubs under Curfew:
Mandatory Bed Checks
No Muscle Cars, No Motorcycles,
No ATVs, No Boats, No Party Busses,
No Trikes

Anonymous said...

Tommy Dart would dress up as a Nun if he
could bust into some Series Games for free

Anonymous said...

Ever see a Jewish Baseball Fan?
They usually own the team.

Anonymous said...

and your mom

Anonymous said...

That's why I now do as little as humanly possible for this city. That fucking Jew and all the other beat offs at city hall are fucking us six ways from Sunday.

Out of the car Motherfucker!! said...

Its not "Gun Crime" Its "Nigger Crime" and the Jew bastard knows it !!!

Jewwy Jewman said...

You can scoop it out of your mommy's pussy after I'm finished. LMFAO!!! BAAAAZINGA!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA

Anonymous said...

LET US SEE IF WE CAN GO TO GERMANY,IRELAND, SWEDEN AND JOIN THEIR ARMIES AND SERVE FOR TWO YEARS AND COME BACK HOME AND RESUME YOUR OCCUPATION,,,,NO; YOU WOULD BE STRI[P[ED OF YOUR CITIZENSHIP AND PERHAPS EVEN DO SOME FEDERAL TIME NOT TO MENTION YOU WOULD GO BROKE WITH LAWYERS FEES,,, BUT IF YOUR A YID YOU CAN,YOU CAN GO OUT ON PATROL IN PALASTINE WITH OTHER AMERICAN,CANADIAN,ENGLISH,GERMAN AUSTRALIAN JEWS AND FUCK OVER THE LOCAL PALISTINIAN OCCUPANTS OF A DISPUTED AREA AND MAYBE EVEN MURDER THEM AND IT WILL BE OKAY,YOUR COVERED,THE US GOVT, SAYS SO.AND YOU WONDER WHY THE MUSLIMS HATE US OVER THERE AND HERE,,JESUS SAID ""DONT TRUST MY PEOPLE" CANT GET IT FROM ANY HIGHER AUTHORITY,,